I Heart Tucson

An Interview with the Tucsonianite

2011-08-23T05:14:00.000-07:00

Did you know that IHeartTucson has had seven people who have stumbled across our dark little niche in the internet? Seven is a lucky number, but not as lucky as you are today.

By popular demand (and by "popular" I mean that it was requested by approximately 14% of you) here is a transcript of a 48-question interview with the Tucsonianite. Hopefully this can be the first step in us getting to know each other a little better. Cause then we can be friends. And friends let friends borrow $20 until next payday, right?

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No. There is no one in the world with my name prior to my existence.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Last night. . . wait . . . right now.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes. I prefer to write in Arial 10pt, but will use Comic Sans 12pt when I'm feeling frisky.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Either Olive Loaf or Head Cheese.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
I had it on VHS but will have to wait for it on Netflix.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
No. If there were two of me the universe would implode.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Do you use your frontal lobe?

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
No. But I do have yours. In a mason jar in my garage.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Yes. But only if you went first so I could cut . . . I mean watch and be less afraid.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Coco-Roos in the 84oz value sack.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF
I don't tie the two velcro straps to begin with. That would just be stupid.

__ WHERE DID 12 GO?
It went home with your mom. Don't bang the screen door or you'll wake them up.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Those little cups with the wooden spoons and cardboard lids and the fudge ripple.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Usually their face. But sometimes, it is their butt.

15. RED OR PINK?
Depends. If you're talking about a baboon's ass, then definitely Red.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Nimble fingers that can't play piano.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
BooBoo Bear. He was always the voice of reason.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO VISIT TUCSON?
Only if you have something to contribute to society - we don't need no freeloaders round here.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Brown pants. Brown shoes. They weren't always brown.

WHERE DID 20 GO?
I flushed it down the toilet. That's what it gets for pissing me off.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The voices don't start until the witching hour.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Farmer Tan Flesh

23. FAVORITE SMELL?
@ I-10 and Prince on a hot summer's night . . . you just know you're home.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Your mom. She said to get her a carton of Benson-Hedges on your way home.

25. DO YOU LIKE TUCSON?
Of course. Tucson is so awesome that I often bleed from my eyes.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Aerobics or Jazzercise

27. HAIR COLOR?
Why not?

28. EYE COLOR?
No, that's a little extreme.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No, I keep contacts in my crackleberry though.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?Lucky Wishbone and Eegee's. Just kidding, I prefer food that is edible and non-poisonous.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy movies with scary endings.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Can't Buy Me Love (for the 174th time)

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
A deep, luxurious, dark red. It is getting a bit stiff as the blood dries though.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Does it matter? Everyday in Tucson is like Groundhog day. Especially the dying and reanimation part.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
I prefer a firm handshake.

37. MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED IN TUCSON?
Anyone who is considered a "Silver Fox." Especially if you're named "Lute" or "Guy."

38. LEAST LIKELY TO SUCCEED IN TUCSON?
Honestly, I'm hoping that would be you.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
I'm working my way through the whole Nicholas Sparks oeuvre, but I'm saving The Notebook for last as a reward to myself.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
10,000,000 dust mites and some Cheeto powder.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Tony Robbins. He's got big hands.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
One hand clapping. That or a tree falling in a forest with no-one to hear it.

43. FAVORITE PLACE IN TUCSON?
The corner of Grant and Alvernon - it is like the Times Square of Tucson.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
I've been as far south as 22nd street!

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Indiscriminate but mostly controllable Narcolepsy

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
In a small town. And I live in a small town. Probably die in a small town. Oh those small communities.

47. SCARIEST PLACE IN TUCSON?The corner of Grant and Alvernon - it is like the Times Square of Tucson (circa 1980).

48. WHERE DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Where didn't we meet? Club Turbulence. The Reef. The Candy Store. Love can just blossom under those conditions.

I♥Tucson Reason #7: Happy Birthday Tucson

2011-08-23T04:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you all, but it has been a rough day today. I woke up mid-afternoon with my tongue apparently epoxied to to the roof of my mouth, and with a headache like a family of Zhu-Zhu pets had moved into my basal cortex. In addition to my shirt being on inside-out and backwards, I found a pair of Green Lantern themed adult size 2XL "briefs" in one back pocket of my jeans, and 34 one dollar bills in the other. Stranger things may have happened to you too, if you were also out on Friday night celebrating TUCSON'S TWO HUNDRED THIRTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Of course, we all know this is a lie.

Yes, I did partake in the festivities, and yes, I did help blow out the 235 candles that were perched atop the cake-shaped-like-Wilbur-Wildcat-sculpted-by-Food-Network-star-Duff-whatshisface. But in my heart of hearts, I know that it was just a convenient excuse for a raging party until the next time Lute Olson makes his an appearance at the local Zinburger. Both you and I know that Tucson is not really a young pup of 235, but a grizzled sage celebrating its TWELVE THOUSANDTH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

What? You don't believe me? Well, get ready because IHeartTucson is dedicated to the truth, and to history. And there is nothing more truthful, or historic than our story today, called . . .

"E" TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORIES:

A TALE OF TUCSON

Tucson was not born in 1775 as the popular belief goes. The origin of Tucson goes all the way back to 9989 B.C. and involves a being known as "the Traveler." Legend has it that the Traveler had inadvertently wandered away from his tribe and was soon lost in a complex maze. After navigating the labyrinth for 40 days (but only 38 nights), the Traveler found himself in a strange but somewhat OK place and thought the first thought that would eventually be the life spark from which Tucson was created:

"Meh . . . this will do. It's a heck of a lot better than being in that damn maze."

Things were peaceful in this place for several millenia which followed. Eventually, several other Travelers found their way to this area and formed the basis of a civilization. Like the first Traveler, those who followed also resigned themselves to a sedimentary lifestyle in this mostly adequate locale - hunting and gathering eventually gave way to domesticated livestock, irrigated agriculture, and Bunko parties. Around 1200 B.C., a pottery craze struck like wildfire and Tucson became one of the most populated places on earth until a mass psychosis induced by cadmium glazed drinking pots eventually reduced the population to normal levels, and dropped the excitement back to merely tenuous.

About a thousand years later, something moderately interesting did happen . . .

Dneb Alig the Conqueror from the Alpha Centauri system traveled via flying saucer through a time-space wormhole (exiting in what is now known as Colossal Cave) and began a reign of terror which lasted for nearly two hundred years. Travelers cowered in fear of Dneb Alig, who would often arch his 200 foot long serpentine body over one of Tucson's main thoroughfares. This was one of the Conqueror's favorite ploys to scare Travelers passing by into dropping their valuables, in particular, carne seca burritos, which were like catnip to this beast with a thousand teeth and a fondness for picking food out of them for days on end.

But then, a Traveler of a different sort came upon the scene and saved Tucson from this intergalactic horror . . .

Armed with nothing but two lambs, an alarm clock necklace, a couple of giant overstuffed raisins, and a big stick, a holy man banished Dneb Alig the Conqueror to a purgatorial, "mirror universe" corner of the desert southwest.

-pause narrative-

OK - I realize that you probably don't believe what A Tale of Tucson is telling you right now. Yeah, you were on board with the maze guy, and the Bunko parties. And yes, the religious guy with the raisins, that's mostly plausible too. But a gigantic-flying-sauce-worm-alien-thingie? Impossible, right?

WRONG!!!

Totally objective piece of evidence #1: A life-sized memorial to Dneb Alig's favorite pastime.

Totally objective piece of evidence #2: Not only was Dneb Alig's place of banishment named after it's mirror image (gilA benD) but the flying saucer from Alpha Centauri is still there as well.

Convinced? Pick your jaw up of the floor cause we're moving on.

-resume narrative-

Following the religious intervention, Tucson continued to grow by attracting new residents who were all looking for a moderately passable place to relocate to. The years flew by and soon, Tucson was a thriving metropolis - truly a "City of Lights" in the American southwest.

Of course, since you are reading A Tale of Tucson on this blog, you also know that it is the little things which have propelled this town from sheer mediocrity to absolute averageness. Your everyday Tucsonianite may not know exactly how old this place is, or how this shining gem in the desert night came into being, but does know that we can always rely on our fellow residents to grab that "radical" knob on the dashboard and turn it all the way up . . .

. . . until something that was just passably pretty becomes utterly awesome.

Happy 12,000th Birthday Tucson! Remember that without you, there'd be no us. Well, we'd still exist, we would probably just be living nearer to a beach or at least an Ikea store.

I♥Tucson Deathmatch - Sweet Treat Bracket

2011-07-11T02:19:00.000-07:00

Yes dear Tucsonianites, it is time for an I♥Tucson Deathmatch again. Time for us to take two things that are marginally related and set them against each other, until only one is left standing. It is exactly like Thunderdome where everyone chants: "Two men enter . . . one man leaves." Except instead of men we chant: "Two local-business-graffiti-mural-type things enter . . . one slightly superior local-business-graffiti-mural-type thing leaves."

Yeah, we'll work on the wording of that and let you know before the next round. But today's main event features two of the sweetest competitors you've ever laid eyes on. Both of them strive, in their own ways, to make our fair city a more delicious place and deliver us their sugary fuel that keeps our engines running.

PRESENTING CONTESTANT #1!!!

The Candy Store!

AND, NOT TO BE OUTDONE, CONTESTANT #2!!!

Also, The Candy Store! Or is it just "Candy Store?" Ummm . . . this may get a little confusing.

Editor's note: for clarity in the remainder of this entry, contestant #1 will further be referred to as "(The) Candy Store" and contestant #2 will further be referred to as "Candy Store."

Thank you editor! Before you ask, no we don't really have an editor; that is just some plug-in that Google Labs developed to prevent blog posts from entirely de-evolving the English language. Anyway, today's I♥Tucson Deathmatch will pit our contestants against each other in five grueling and torturous face-off rounds:

Architecture
Media Exposure
Customer Testimonials
Amenities
Online Reviews

ROUND 1: Architecture

Brad Pitt has really given architecture fans a bad name. It used to be mildly cool, if somewhat geeky and European to be interested in architecture. But ever since Pitt got into the scene, there has developed an undercurrent of mockery and loathing whenever you tell someone that you are "into" architecture. You can see people looking at you slightly sideways and can almost hear them thinking "not even Brad Pitt can pull off being an architecture buff, and he is famous, a genius, and beautiful. What makes you think that you can do it, you silly little desk jockey?" So here is the disclaimer: we are neither architects nor do we pose ourselves as true architecture aficionados - this architecture review is for entertainment purposes only, and has not been bolstered by either a formal education or by reading back-issues of Architectural Digest.

(The) Candy Store

Symmetrical sight lines make entrance the focal point.
Interesting use of industrial-chic motif on the right side.
Upper facade reminiscent of a king's crown - creates a royal welcome for patrons.
Message board is strictly utilitarian, but does communicate important information in the form of poetic verse like: "Military Free / Bring Your ID"

Candy Store

Beautiful use of the same vibrant colors that are on the Arizona state flag.
Superb mural work - lifelike and fantastical characters in dynamic poses.
Raised elements appear to girder and strengthen the building like ribs.
Depressed element and ramp attract the eye and lure you in.

The winner is: Candy Store

Candy Store takes the round mainly because of its wonderful and accurate depiction of the Tucson skyline. From the gleaming UniSource Energy tower at the left to the triple smokestacks of the Marana Portland Cement factory at the right, this absolutely took our breath away and made the little architect nerd inside of us cry.

ROUND 2: Media Exposure

Did you know that I♥Tucson made a cameo appearance in a little film called Say Anything? We were John Cusack's stunt double for the pivotal scene in which he hoists a 50 pound ghetto blaster above his head and expresses his unrequited love to Ione Skye while the Biz Markie tune Just A Friend pumps from the stereo. Unfortunately, test audiences did not appreciate (i.e., like) this ending and the scene was re-shot. More unfortunately, I♥Tucson did not make it into the credits at the end of the movie, thereby eliminating our chances of ever having an IMDB page.

Our shot at champagne dreams may have been shattered, but our contestants caviar wishes live on as both have had extensive media exposure.

Candy Store

A starring role in four major motion pictures: Superman; Superman II; Superman III; and Superman Returns, Nobody Cares.
Pros: Beloved icon by children and adults worldwide; perfectly coiffed hair; nice abdominal definition.
Cons: Shameless flaunting of two-sizes-too-small underoos; backside of cape is remarkably dark and dreary.

(The) Candy Store

Although lacking time on the big screen, (The) Candy Store nonetheless has an impressive pedigree in the local media.
Neon signage livens up Late Breaking news reports, which normally take place in the utter darkness in front of some place where something happened in the past (and therefore is still newsworthy, even though you can't see it anymore).
So popular that police assistance is evidently required for crowd control.

The winner is: (The) Candy Store

Fame is temporary. Infamy lasts forever (or at least as long as the archive on your local news reporting outlet's website).

ROUND 3: Customer Testimonials

Candy Store

"Unfortunately, I can't say a whole lot about this place. Alfred switched the BatCave computer from Google to that damn Bing search engine, and when I was trying to map out the quickest route to the Joker's secret hideout, it led me here. It turns out some dude name Joe Kerr works here. I'm going have to revoke Alfred's network privileges when I get home. I did get some Chupa Chups though. Always need to keep the BatBelt stocked with those in case Catwoman comes over."

(The) Candy Store

Manny*: "I never set foot in that place man. I am a student at IAF and was just in the parking lot waiting for my girlfriend to pick me up when those other dudes ran up to me and force me to hold their drugs. I don't even know what that stuff is man. I don't smoke crack man. OK - yes I only went inside for a minute to use the payphone to call my girlfriend cause those dudes took my cell and I needed to tell her to call the police so I could report those dudes and turn over the evidence. Cause drugs and stealing cell phones is not cool man. Not cool at all."

Moe*: "That [maternal fornicator] told you what? Oh that is [cowpoop] cause that boy was up in the club since two in the afternoon! He kept slapping the girls on their [rears] when they would walk by and kept going to the bathroom with those [freaking] tweakers. He's just some [kitten] who got a hold of a big stash and was trying to be Mr. Hotshot Drug Dealer. Me - I'm just there to appreciate the female figure, you know? After I got banned from The Reef, this is the closest place that my bus pass will take me so I hope they don't shut the place down.

Jack*: I just work the door. I host, I bounce, and that is it. I try not to pay attention. My boss tells me not to be too selective in letting people in, cause this is Tucson after all and we'd never have business othwise. So naturally a bunch of [feminine hygiene products] are in there at any given moment and I have to make sure they keep it in check. Like the guy who always catches the bus to get here. And the one who was selling smack in the restrooms. They're real winners, those two.

* Names changed to protect the innocent. Actually - screw it - these idiots are definitely not innocent. They are (L to R): Pablo Diablo, Mr. Trick, and Don Johnson.

The winner is: Candy Store

Sometimes, too much customer testimony can hurt your cause. Particularly when your customers were all arrested and cannot receive any visitors for a month or two. A simple and partially positive message beats being a strip club [anus] any day.

ROUND 4: Amenities

I♥Tucson really likes staying at hotels. Good ones. You know, those with the Sinful Sleeper mattresses and 146 articulated shower head nozzles? And the ones with the mini-fridges with the mini-Pringles cans that cost $12? Wi-Fi that costs $19 for the 24 hours? Amenities are important because they will often be the little deails that customers will remember and return for over and over again.

(The) Candy Store

Per (The) Candy Store's MySpace page, a Newly Remodeled Dressing Room and the fact that Champagne Always Available are two of the great new amenities that are offered.
Great place to change your clothes into something more comfortable - safe place to keep your phone just in case it rains on you.
Champagne can be mighty difficult to find after the supermarket closes - now you have a new place to hit up for that emergency 4:30 AM bottle of Asti Spumanti. We've heard that there is even a whole room dedicated to champagne at this place!

Candy Store

On demand Gamma Radiation. Enough said.

The winner is: (The) Candy Store

Although gamma radiation is undoubtedly helpful, nothing says "come back" quite like a brand new locker does. Especially if you get one that opens when you give it a rap with your fist - that quadruples the coolness factor.

ROUND 5: Online Reviews

We're all knotted up here with two challenges won by each consistent. The last category, and possibly the most important, is a sampling of online reviews for each location. As we all know, online reviews can make or break a new business. Additionally, online reviews can be absolutely trusted because only certified critics, reviewers, and subject matter experts are allowed to post their unbiased opinions online.

Candy Store

(The) Candy Store

The winner of the final round and the I♥Tucson Sweet Treat Deathmatch is . . . .

(The) Candy Store

In case you are wondering, it is not the somewhat mixed and schizophrenic reviews that lost the match for Candy Store in the final round. It was the surprising comparison to Nogales in (The) Candy Store's review that really won us over. There are few places as awesome as Tucson, and Nogales is on the short list!

Stay tuned for more information about our upcoming sister site, iheartnogales.blogspot.com!!!

Update: We sadly report that as of this posting, (The) Candy Store is no more. Due to the recent mania surrounding the latest Harry Potter movie, it has been sold and re-themed into a new entertainment venue called Spellbound. You can be sure that I♥Tucson will be all over this scene to provide you with the news on whether Spellbound can stand up to the legacy of its predecessor.

I♥Tucson Reason #6 – Under The Sea

2011-06-14T08:27:00.000-07:00

When it comes to summer in Tucson, this town is awesome. A bunch of old folks leave and the streets get safer. A bunch of college aged kids leave and the streets get safer. The police swap out the speed limit signs so everyone can go 65 on Speedway again. In fact, if you get into a car accident in Tucson in the summer, it is probably because you were playing Angry Birds on some kind of mobile device and had a single car accident with a street sign.

But, as awesome as Tucson is in the summer, there is something that constantly draws at and nags all Tucsonianites - the Pacific Ocean. We can't help it that we're landlocked and that we only see two shades of blue on a regular basis (the sky and the UA blue). But the sea is just a long drive away, and most of us are enjoying driving in Tucson too much to make that long haul.

Well - fear not, because the sea is here - in Tucson - at this place:

At least Pac-Man was able to get a job in this economy

No - this is not just a great place to get those things for you car to be able to drive to the ocean. Take a peek around the side and be prepared to be magically transported under the sea!

The dolphin sharpened its beak and zeroed in to attack its unsuspecting prey

Beautiful dolphins cavorting in the surf!

Seeing how the London Bridge loves Arizona, the Loch Ness Monster followed suit

Colorful reef fish and um . . . a baby Nessie. That's a little strange.

Did you know: Leif Eriksson didn't just discover America, but Arizona too?

And sunken Viking dragon boats with ghoul-like sails. Hey, what ocean did you say this was again?

And whew - a submarine. Just a normal submarine. I thought this trip was headed somewhere into Johnny Depp's subconscious - you know, the place where he keeps Keith Richard's soul hostage so the Pirate movies can be made. Let's just zoom out a little bit. . .

. . . O MAI GD . . . GIANT MECHA-SHARK !!!!

You know what folks, screw the ocean. Tucson is land-locked and proud of it and doesn't need ghost ships or friggin' Giant Mecha-Sharks. The sea may be a temptress, but if we all work together, we can avoid her siren call and survive in our dry and waterless paradise. So do your part, proud Tucsonianites - drain those pools - empty those pet water bowls - pray for no rain. Retract all of your jokes about California falling off the continental shelf and Arizona becoming beach front property. Let's keep Tucson sea-free. And safe. Cause Giant Mecha-Sharks are awesome to look at, but not that awesome when they're chewing on your leg with razor sharp titanium incisors.

Welcome Back

2011-06-14T01:03:00.000-07:00

I guess we need to clear the air about something. I know that two years is a long time to be gone without an explanation, and I don't expect you to believe everything I am saying, but I promise it is true. I am not going to give you the typical "it's not you, it's me" line because I don't want to lie; it wasn't just me, it was kinda you.

I know that you want to know the "why" it happened. This whole world is full of people asking "why, why, why" and saying things like "the truth will set you free" when really, the answers often hurt, especially the real ones. Since I promised to tell you the truth, I am not going to tell you the "why" for your own sake - believe me, you are better off not knowing. But I will tell you the "what" - I know I owe you that at least. The "when" should already be established, but it you can't remember, see the second sentence of this entry.

Sometimes, people get mixed up in activities which can make it feel they are powerless - like a force of nature is pushing and pulling them in some direction they would normally never go in. That is what this was like - it was a friggin' hurricane that has the magical powers to turn you into an automaton. I am warning now that you probably won't believe me.

OK for the last two years, I was on Facebook.

See - you don't believe me. Well here is the proof:

No, I did not Photoshop that image, I was really on Facebook! It just sucked me in with its exhaustive need for micromanagement of mundane details. And all the games . . . all of those game requests that needed to be closed out - it took me forever. People laying their emotions out for their whole world to see. It made me into some kind of emotion-vampire, leeching off all of those highs and lows and always hungry for the next dose. It was just there - I was weak, and it was there.

What? So what if I don't have any friends on Facebook? I had one at first but it was just too much for me to manage our relationship while taking care of all of these other things so I had to drop him. It is just this brilliant multi-faceted diamond that is blinding but fascinating at the same time, no matter which angle faces you. But like a diamond can burn (if it is heated up) so can Facebook, and yes I was burned. Something was posted today - it still hurts too much to say what it was - and all that trust I built up over two years was irrevocably shattered. OK it really doesn't hurt to say what is was - I think it was a picture of a stranger's vagina.

So now I'm back. Hopefully a bit stronger and wiser than before. And I wanted to say I'm sorry - for everything. Can't we just turn it back and have things be like they used to before all the craziness? Can we still be friends - for Tucson's sake?

We can? Cool - why don't you friend me at www.facebook.com

I♥Tucson Reason #5 – Concrete is Amazing

2009-08-02T16:24:00.000-07:00

The Tucsonianite is not the only one who is on the lookout for the everyday, mundane things that make this town just simply awesome. It turns out that there are others who also appreciate the small things of beauty in Tucson - like the utterly fascinating Wilmot/Wilmont conundrum (to be covered in a future post). We are proud to present I♥Tucson Reason #5 by our dear friend Shahrazad1973.

You are probably under the impression that concrete is only for sidewalks and buildings, but you would be wrong, my friend. Yes, Tucson has many sidewalks and buildings made of the stuff, but they are not amazing. The Tucsonan sees the sidewalk and scoffs. She says, I see your sidewalk, and I walk in the street! Yes, Tucsonans are a creative lot, and let me tell you, if anyone can find a more amazing way to use concrete than the Tucsonan, I will eat a concrete monkey paw.

There are many ways the Tusconan thinks outside of the concrete box. For instance, did you realize that concrete can also be used for improving the majesty of your Tucson home? I bet you didn’t. I won’t hold it against you, because this blog is meant to educate and you are only now learning that concrete is amazing, which it is. And yes, it can improve your home. By now, you are probably all familiar with the charms of our most common types of desert landscaping – drought resistant plants; stones of various color, size and texture; mesquite and Palo Verde trees – these are all well and good, but they lack that certain je ne sais pas the real Tucsonan craves. They make me yawn when compared to the amazingness that is concrete landscaping.

Let’s say you’re Susie from Florida and you really miss your lawn, because in Tucson, you can’t really have one, what with the heat and the lack of water and stuff. But this does not stop you from acquiring a yard of green goodness. Oh no, you are a Tucsonan now, and you see that sidewalk and you think, if I painted it green, that could be my grass! And behold it is and it is amazing.

OMG! Why didn’t I think of this? This freaking lawn is green all year round!

And see how close it is to the real thing?! But a concrete lawn does not need to be watered. Amazing.

But there is no need to stop at the lawn. If you are a Tucsonan, you will think of other amazing ways to improve your home with concrete. Did you know that you can encase all your gorgeous drought resistant plants inside a concrete paradise? Well, you can. Throw a few stones in the stuff and smooth it around the plants you want to be the most amazing, and you have yourself a concrete potter extraordinaire!

This drought resistant plant never needs to be watered, and the light color of the concrete really brings out the beauty of the fake pink flowers.

Or, if you want to be artsy-fartsy, you can create a concrete sculpture in your front lawn that is amazing and will surely be admired by all passers-by. Or maybe you miss your mountain home and just want to have a nice, realistic representation of life in the higher elevations. Why not make a small concrete mountain in your yard? Either way, that would be amazing. And it is.

This amazing mountain-like sculpture may actually be a shrine to elves or gnomes or princesses. I am not sure because I am not amazing enough to tell, as I have only been a Tucsonan since college, 9 years ago.

See? You can definitely make your home more amazing by using concrete in the right ways. Usually only a true Tucsonan would understand that, but now, thanks to I Heart Tucson, you can too.

For more evidence that Tucson’s Concrete is Amazing, see our first post ever, where we explore the amazing awesomeness that is Magic Carpet Golf. Also, stay tuned for our coverage of Justin’s Water World, where concrete and desert have a love affair with children.

IHeartTucson is a little embarrassed to admit that we were not aware of Tucson's rich and detailed concrete heritage until now. We were of the assumption that Phoenix was the only place with a historic concrete culture. Thank you Shahrazad1973 for this insightful look into how concrete has made our our lives in Tucson that much more awesome.

I♥Tucson Reason #4 - Runway Bar & Grill

2009-05-03T17:28:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, we all feel like poking fun. As human beings, it is in our nature to give a little ribbing to that which we cannot understand, or that which we could never dream to achieve. Here at IHeartTucson, we do take our job seriously and will dish the occasional bon mot, but we never, ever will joke about Art. True Art is from the soul and when you see a masterpiece, you can feel it in your every being, and it is no laughing matter.

Fellow Tucsonianites - we must consider ourself awesomely blessed to be able to feel this way every day. Without further ado, let us present the Runway Bar & Grill.

They painted over the "PROJECT" when Michael Kohrs threatened to leave.

You may be thinking WTF? but you really should be thinking OMFG! instead. For real. Since IHeartTucson has had the benefit of countless hours of serious Art education at one of this state's finer community colleges, let us be your guide in deciphering what it is that makes the Runway so awesome.

(1) Triptych
One of the easiest ways to tell if something is a masterpiece is to determine if it is a triptych. Virtually everything that has been created in this three-panel format can be considered (a) a masterpiece, and (b) priceless. One of the more famous examples of a triptych is Heironymous Bosch's Garden of Earthly Delights which depicts (from left to right) the garden of Eden, humans enjoying themselves in a utopian setting prior to the Fall from Grace, and finally a scene from Terminator 2: Judgement Day.

This poster is in approximately 15,000,000 dormitory rooms at this very moment.

The mural adorning the Runway wall is also a triptych, depicting (from left to right) humans enjoying themselves in a utopian setting prior to Closing Time, the eponymous runway, and finally a scene from Airplane II: The Sequel.

Flight attendants, prepare for awesomeness.

(2) Trompe L'oeil
Another signature element of a masterpiece is the use of Trompe L'oeil - a technique where the viewer of the work is fooled to think that something rendered on a flat surface is actually three-dimensional. Trompe L'oeil is actually the French translation of Trick the Eye, not to be confused with another popular French phrase, Trompe L'Americain D'Imbecile. An example of this technique can be seen below; the oculus painting at the Palazzo Ducale by Andrea Mantegna completed in 1474.

Your eye just got artistically Punk'd.

Not to be outdone, the Runway has two major Trompe L'oeil elements. The first is a hyper-realistic WWII era fighter plane coming in for a landing on Alvernon Way.

You'll swear that this is coming straight at 'cha.

The other element is a visually tricky break-away-see-thru view of the inside of the establishment itself, replete with attractive patrons who are wiling away their happy hours. This can be seen in the left pane of the triptych.

No, it's not your x-ray vision, it's Trompe L'oeil

(3) Use of Focal Point
Master artists have a variety of tools at their disposal. One that can affect great visual impact is the subtle but effective inclusion of a focal point in the work. As seen below in the Last Supper by Leonardo da Vinci, a central figure is high-lighted which makes him the focus of all the other ancillary figures. This technique continually draws a viewer's gaze toward the focal point.

All Eyez on JC

In the Runway mural, a textbook example of focal point usage can be seen in near the bar. It is ultimately up to the viewer of this work to determine why the artist chose to make this figure the focus of attention. The flat-topped-crew-cut man is awarded with the devoted attention of all the other bar patrons, both male and female. Is it because he is famous? Or because his fly is down? We may never know.

The plainclothes cop suspected that his cover was irrevocably blown.

(4) Social Commentary
Art is not just about pretty pictures; all masterpieces have underlying messages which comment on the events, struggles, and successes of society at the time that a work is created. The Runway is no exception - the element of social commentary is particularly visible in the right panel of the triptych.

This is not the new paint scheme for Virgin Airways

A small detail is in the cockpit window - it is none other than the infamous Captain "Sully" - the Hero of the Hudson - solely responsible for safely landing a U.S. Airways jet on the Hudson river in NYC, pulling the survivors out of the icy cold water, and diving down to the sinking plane to retrieve everyone's carry-on AND personal items. Who better to have piloting your mural?

What is that woman doing in the cockpit?
Maybe Sully was distracted when he hit those birds?

The most blatant commentary element is, of course, the painting of Jennifer Lopez done in pin-up style right below the cockpit window. She is wearing next to nothing, and holding a bottle of what obviously is barbecue sauce. The Art professors that IHeartTucson consulted with have all agreed that this imagery conveys the message: don't sit next to J-Lo on an airplane, even in first class, as she will go diva on your ass, take your BBQ sauce, then point at you and say "Nuh-uh papi."

What kind of BBQ sauce? KC Masterpiece of course.

(5) Subtext
The last portion of a masterpiece to consider is the subtext. This refers to the little messages that are buried within, waiting to be discovered like that piece of onion ring that sometimes makes an appearance in your french fry cup. Here are some things regarding Runway Bar & Grill you may want to ponder:

It is not located near an airport nor near a runway (a hidden implication that the place is a landing pad for those seeking libations and fun).
Subconsciously reinforces the relationship between piloting and alcohol (keeping pilots happy is always a good thing).
There is one Pittsburgh Steelers fan in the mural (note that this ensures there will always be patrons on Sundays).
Has a Smok!ng Patio (for those of us who like to Smok! when we drink)

Can you spot the typo? Yes, it should have been "Pat!o"

There are really no more words to describe the degree to which the Runway Bar & Grill has multiplied Tucson's awesomeness factor. This is mainly because I am tired of extolling its virtues, but also because like all other masterpieces, it takes . . .

. . . more than words to show you feel
that your love for Tucson is real
then you wouldn't have to say
that you Heart TUC
cause I'd already know . . .

I♥Tucson Deathmatch - Automotive Bracket

2009-03-31T23:28:00.000-07:00

You ever wonder what it would be like to put a praying mantis and a dung beetle in a glass jar, shake 'em up real good, and see who comes out victorious and with the most limbs intact? That is the core inspiration behind the IHeartTucson Deathmatch series - we're pitting two contenders against one another to determine who is the ultimate in contributing to the ultimate awesomeness that is inherent to our fair city.

Today's Deathmatch focuses on the Tucson automotive scene. When rolling in AZ, we're technically not West Coast, but we really (really, really, really) want to be since the only other alternative is to be a Texan. As such, our first contender epitomizes the Tucsonianites' collective deep rooted desires to be down with our cousins in the City of Angels.

The name's so nice, you can write it twice.

Our other contender represents a different type of vehicular pipe dream. Who amongst us hasn't had the secret fantasy of taking several tons of American-built automotive mediocrity out into the desert flats - tearing it up, barely dodging cacti, all while the sun falls between twin peaks in a fashion reminiscent of someone sliding an egg yolk into an unmade bed of sateen sheets?

Forget home ownership - running a 'Vette through the desert wastelands is what
we're really saving our beans up for.

Analysis:
This is an extremely difficult call for IHeartTucson to make - both contenders represent different facets of the deeply repressed, yet mainly superficial desires of the average Tucsonianite. As part of our statistically sound, validated, fair and balanced analysis system, we are projecting the Deathmatch outcome based on the characters that our TI-90 graphic computerized calculator predicted as the most likely drivers.

Stereoland - Antonio Banderas as El Mariachi - This is a perfect fit for a badass desperado. Lots of trunk room for the "guitar" case and an already low riding nature can disguise a heavy weight load.

Roy Metcalf Automotive - Charlie Brown - The proportions of the Corvette in question have obviously been modified to adjust for Americans with disproportionately large craniums. Cars with big windshields and ample head room are #1-must-haves for hydrocephalics.

The Deathmatch:
For an automotive Deathmatch, there is no venue in Tucson that is more awesome than the aptly named Speedway Boulevard. The starting point is the Speedway/Houghton intersection, heading due Westward, with the winner being crowned at the Speedway/I-10 interchange.

For those of you who were unable to catch the Deathmatch in person, here is a transcript of the running blog commentary:

Start - Speedway/Houghton
The racers are ready with nerves of steel. The only complications thus far have been El Mariachi's attempts to load a Raytheon "Stinger" rocket launcher into his ride (with the rationale that it was Hecho en Tucson) and Charlie Brown's futile attempt to find a helmet - any helmet - that fits.
At the drop of the green flag, the IHeartTucson Deathmatch (automotive bracket) begins with Charlie Brown going 0-60 in 5.4 seconds . . . in reverse. It seems like Chuck's pit crew chief (Lucy Van Pelt) is laughing at him. Meanwhile, the Desperado cruises smoothly into the lead.

Checkpoint 1 - Speedway/Wilmot
Tragedy strikes as El Mariachi mows down 4 pedestrians who are crossing traffic while not in a crosswalk and with a Wal-Mart shopping cart in tow. This allows Charlie Brown to briefly take the lead, until he swerves and crashes into the Fuddrucker's sign after spotting a decapitated Moai at the Magic Carpet.

Checkpoint 2 - Speedway/Swan
The Desperado regains the lead and avoids further pedestrian accidents by just shooting anyone threatening to cross the road with his tambourine-modified-uzi. This strategy seems to be working until El Mariachi is pulled over by TPD - evidently this major thoroughfare of six lanes named Speedway actually has a speed limit of only 30 MPH.

Checkpoint 3 - Speedway/Campbell
Charlie Brown is back in the race after stopping by Roy Metcalf Automotive for some quick repairs. As our competitors reach this checkpoint, they are neck-and-neck. El Mariachi could have had the Deathmatch in the bag if he had not stopped to flip and incinerate two Wackenhut busses.

Finish - Speedway/I-10
Approaching the finish line, it is too close to call. Wait a minute - one of the Speedway lanes has magically disappeared and Chuck is now boxed behind a Sun Tran, a 1965 Winnebago, and a Ford Taurus with Minnesota plates. El Mariachi has some trouble of his own, with an Astro and a Caravan with full family decals having a slow race in the remaining lane.
The Desperado blows a RPG out of a trombone to get the mini-vans out of the way. It seems the checkered flag is his - until a freak monsoon causes 4 feet of water to sweep across the road. El Mariachi and the Stereoland low-rider get pushed down Oracle to the No-Tel Motel parking lot. Since Charlie Brown sees all the "Stupid Motorist" PSAs while he watches Judge Judy, he waits for the water to subside before crossing the finish line.
Charlie Brown, in the Roy Metcalf Automotive Modified Corvette is the winner of IHeartTucson's first deathmatch!!!

Winner:
Roy Metcalf Automotive / Charlie Brown - Although nothing says "awesome" more than a 12 year old who just got their first cell phone, what's even better is seeing Chuck finally getting out of his funk to do something other than whiff at a football. Next up for Roy Metcalf: a headroom-modified Miata with a special climate-controlled blanket compartment.

Credit where credit is past due:
Desperado - Cartoons by Deano www.cartoonsbydeano.com
Chuck - Charles Schultz estate
Typeface Assistance - Vieraskirjan Peto by junkohanhero

I♥Tucson Reason #3 - Raider's Reef

2009-03-29T21:29:00.000-07:00

241 (of) EVERYTHING awaits you at Raider's Reef

A long time ago, when IHeartTucson was just a little swabbie, we heard the tales of the search for the Seven Lost Golden Cities of Cibola. These stories were full of swashbucking adventure, desert survival, enchanting magics, and vampire/human cross-species romance. In one of the tales, our adventurers ran across a pirate ship in the middle of the desert, stranded there many years prior due to a ginormous tidal wave which swept it up from the gulf of California into the flat basin of the Sonoran desert.

It is hard to believe that Tucson has once again turned the dreams of our childhood into a reality - imagine our surprise encounter with the Raider's Reef galleon that had been washed ashore conveniently on Golf Links just east of Wilmot.

The ship was conveniently stranded next to a Circle K, where the pirates
loaded up on energy drinks and Slim Jims.

Recent upgrades like the border hedge and cell phone tower have added both
a touch of class and modern amenity.

As a disclaimer, IHeartTucson must state openly that we have not yet had a chance to board the Raider's Reef but we are sooooo looking forward to doing so. We are huge fans of Midieval Times and the Renaissance Faire and think that a pirate-themed dinner theater show housed in an actual ship is just the most awesomest thing ever. We can just imagine all the waiters dressed up in their high seas finest, everyone saying "ARRR" alot, big tankards of grog, and the cast making some of the customers "walk the plank" if they don't speak in proper pirate-ese.

No need for an anchor - we're in the des-ARRR-t.

The exterior theming at Raider's Reef is just top notch - from the impressive masts (sails were down when we saw it), to the beautiful bow figure, to the full-scale anchor. Another touch we love is the cheeky Gentlemen's Cabaret sign which must have been put there as a joke by those pirates to show us how rough and "manly" they are. Although a bit un-PC and sexist, we believe this just adds to the fun and think the kiddies will love this place even more than Chuck E. Cheese's. We will definitely enjoy a Cabernet (sauvignon) to along with the rollicking pirate festivities.

This fair maiden keeps an AYE on you as you pass by.

For the budget-minded out there, I would like to share that I was able to get a printable Free Admission Coupon from the Raider's Reef website which is actually good on any day of the week! We're definitely going to become regular fixtures there - I may even take my boss there for lunch one day as she is a huge fan of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Get your eyepatch ready, and polish your peg-leg - Raider's Reef awaits for you mateys!

We love how they found someone as lovely as their bow figurehead to
model for their advertising.

I♥Tucson Reason #2 - The Bambi Bar Sign

2009-03-28T13:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you wanna go - where everybody knows the bar is named after an exotic dancer, but there are really none working there.

There's just something about the local watering hole that adds so much character to the neighborhood. It adds depth and true grit, and lends the ponciest of gated cul-de-sacs an air of don't-eff-with-me awesomeness. The Bambi Bar is such a place - not only remarkable for its ability to attract the booze-ridden-down-trodden masses - but also for the aesthetic effect that it has in this otherwise tony area off of Speedway Boulevard.

It's hard to believe that this was once a bare wall.

The verdant waterworks mural on the east side of the Bambi are no doubt a treat for weary desert eyeballs, but the real prize here is the actual Bambi Bar sign.

Detail of the roadside sign - a misunderstood and little appreciated work of art.

Casual passers-by are often puzzled by the cryptozoologic nature of the Bambi Bar signage. Although most just assume the animal is a deer, others concoct fanciful stories of the origin of this mysterious iconography. Some say that it is a coyote wearing a Venetian plague mask, or a wallaby that had been mated with a hell-hound.

The truth behind the Bambi sign is much more mundane. In the 1960s during the Vietnam war, the Disney company was looking to launch short films in the vein of their famous anti-Nazi propaganda piece starring Donald Duck, called Der Fuehrer's Face (1943). The relaunch of this with an anti-Viet Cong twist was considered a patriotic move by the company, and soon Bambi's Punji Pit was given the greenlight by the studio. Intended as a cautionary tale, this short showed this Disney character succumbing to the perils of combat, including the killing of innocent rabbits, and the use of opium.

As public opinion of the war effort waned, the company ultimately decided to shelve the project. Original cels of the incomplete movie short were thought to have been lost; however several were recently unearthed in Tucson area garage sales, definitively proving the inspiration for the Bambi Bar signage.

Hand-painted cel from the opium scene in Bambi's Punji Pit.

So, fellow Tucsonianites take note - there is always an awesome back story to those things you see around our fair city but do not understand. Everything but the giant snake bridge, that is; I'm pretty sure that is just a group hallucination.

I♥Tucson Reason #1 - Magic Carpet Golf

2009-03-28T00:26:00.000-07:00

This sign was made before Turbans struck fear into the heart of every Tucsonianite.

One of the most awesomest things that anyone can experience in their life is a mini-golf course. We're not talking about just some bumps and lumps under the astroturf and a castle or bull's eye target to to suck your ball away at the 18th hole. We're talking about some serious arts and crafts skills, whimsical imagination, and professional-level difficulty. Tucson can consider itself lucky as Magic Carpet Golf has all these and much more.

I brought my rolling desk chair because the Rascal wasn't charged up.

Don't let the smiley worm fool you - getting through his cupcake house unscathed is not easy.

I didn't know that bulls have 5 legs . . . amazing.

The monkey doesn't just want you to give him five, if you know what I mean.

We waited for 6 days for the snake to digest our balls.

The attention to detail is awesome - Authentic Egyptian Police Hieroglyphics.

The ever-changing landscape of Magic Carpet Golf makes it one of the reasons that IHeartTucson hearts Tucson so much. We swear that there was even a Moai here last week, but we might be mistaken. So often a golf course will turn a patch of desert wasteland into a beautiful enclave for the rich and powerful. But not the Magic Carpet - it just makes living in Tucson that much more awesome.