I♥Tucson Deathmatch - Automotive Bracket

You ever wonder what it would be like to put a praying mantis and a dung beetle in a glass jar, shake 'em up real good, and see who comes out victorious and with the most limbs intact? That is the core inspiration behind the IHeartTucson Deathmatch series - we're pitting two contenders against one another to determine who is the ultimate in contributing to the ultimate awesomeness that is inherent to our fair city.

Today's Deathmatch focuses on the Tucson automotive scene. When rolling in AZ, we're technically not West Coast, but we really (really, really, really) want to be since the only other alternative is to be a Texan. As such, our first contender epitomizes the Tucsonianites' collective deep rooted desires to be down with our cousins in the City of Angels.

The name's so nice, you can write it twice.

Our other contender represents a different type of vehicular pipe dream. Who amongst us hasn't had the secret fantasy of taking several tons of American-built automotive mediocrity out into the desert flats - tearing it up, barely dodging cacti, all while the sun falls between twin peaks in a fashion reminiscent of someone sliding an egg yolk into an unmade bed of sateen sheets?

Forget home ownership - running a 'Vette through the desert wastelands is what
we're really saving our beans up for.

Analysis:
This is an extremely difficult call for IHeartTucson to make - both contenders represent different facets of the deeply repressed, yet mainly superficial desires of the average Tucsonianite. As part of our statistically sound, validated, fair and balanced analysis system, we are projecting the Deathmatch outcome based on the characters that our TI-90 graphic computerized calculator predicted as the most likely drivers.

Stereoland - Antonio Banderas as El Mariachi - This is a perfect fit for a badass desperado. Lots of trunk room for the "guitar" case and an already low riding nature can disguise a heavy weight load.

Roy Metcalf Automotive - Charlie Brown - The proportions of the Corvette in question have obviously been modified to adjust for Americans with disproportionately large craniums. Cars with big windshields and ample head room are #1-must-haves for hydrocephalics.

The Deathmatch:
For an automotive Deathmatch, there is no venue in Tucson that is more awesome than the aptly named Speedway Boulevard. The starting point is the Speedway/Houghton intersection, heading due Westward, with the winner being crowned at the Speedway/I-10 interchange.

For those of you who were unable to catch the Deathmatch in person, here is a transcript of the running blog commentary:

Start - Speedway/Houghton
The racers are ready with nerves of steel. The only complications thus far have been El Mariachi's attempts to load a Raytheon "Stinger" rocket launcher into his ride (with the rationale that it was Hecho en Tucson) and Charlie Brown's futile attempt to find a helmet - any helmet - that fits.
At the drop of the green flag, the IHeartTucson Deathmatch (automotive bracket) begins with Charlie Brown going 0-60 in 5.4 seconds . . . in reverse. It seems like Chuck's pit crew chief (Lucy Van Pelt) is laughing at him. Meanwhile, the Desperado cruises smoothly into the lead.

Checkpoint 1 - Speedway/Wilmot
Tragedy strikes as El Mariachi mows down 4 pedestrians who are crossing traffic while not in a crosswalk and with a Wal-Mart shopping cart in tow. This allows Charlie Brown to briefly take the lead, until he swerves and crashes into the Fuddrucker's sign after spotting a decapitated Moai at the Magic Carpet.

Checkpoint 2 - Speedway/Swan
The Desperado regains the lead and avoids further pedestrian accidents by just shooting anyone threatening to cross the road with his tambourine-modified-uzi. This strategy seems to be working until El Mariachi is pulled over by TPD - evidently this major thoroughfare of six lanes named Speedway actually has a speed limit of only 30 MPH.

Checkpoint 3 - Speedway/Campbell
Charlie Brown is back in the race after stopping by Roy Metcalf Automotive for some quick repairs. As our competitors reach this checkpoint, they are neck-and-neck. El Mariachi could have had the Deathmatch in the bag if he had not stopped to flip and incinerate two Wackenhut busses.

Finish - Speedway/I-10
Approaching the finish line, it is too close to call. Wait a minute - one of the Speedway lanes has magically disappeared and Chuck is now boxed behind a Sun Tran, a 1965 Winnebago, and a Ford Taurus with Minnesota plates. El Mariachi has some trouble of his own, with an Astro and a Caravan with full family decals having a slow race in the remaining lane.
The Desperado blows a RPG out of a trombone to get the mini-vans out of the way. It seems the checkered flag is his - until a freak monsoon causes 4 feet of water to sweep across the road. El Mariachi and the Stereoland low-rider get pushed down Oracle to the No-Tel Motel parking lot. Since Charlie Brown sees all the "Stupid Motorist" PSAs while he watches Judge Judy, he waits for the water to subside before crossing the finish line.
Charlie Brown, in the Roy Metcalf Automotive Modified Corvette is the winner of IHeartTucson's first deathmatch!!!

Winner:
Roy Metcalf Automotive / Charlie Brown - Although nothing says "awesome" more than a 12 year old who just got their first cell phone, what's even better is seeing Chuck finally getting out of his funk to do something other than whiff at a football. Next up for Roy Metcalf: a headroom-modified Miata with a special climate-controlled blanket compartment.

Credit where credit is past due:
Desperado - Cartoons by Deano www.cartoonsbydeano.com
Chuck - Charles Schultz estate
Typeface Assistance - Vieraskirjan Peto by junkohanhero

I♥Tucson Reason #3 - Raider's Reef

241 (of) EVERYTHING awaits you at Raider's Reef

A long time ago, when IHeartTucson was just a little swabbie, we heard the tales of the search for the Seven Lost Golden Cities of Cibola. These stories were full of swashbucking adventure, desert survival, enchanting magics, and vampire/human cross-species romance. In one of the tales, our adventurers ran across a pirate ship in the middle of the desert, stranded there many years prior due to a ginormous tidal wave which swept it up from the gulf of California into the flat basin of the Sonoran desert.

It is hard to believe that Tucson has once again turned the dreams of our childhood into a reality - imagine our surprise encounter with the Raider's Reef galleon that had been washed ashore conveniently on Golf Links just east of Wilmot.

The ship was conveniently stranded next to a Circle K, where the pirates
loaded up on energy drinks and Slim Jims.

Recent upgrades like the border hedge and cell phone tower have added both
a touch of class and modern amenity.

As a disclaimer, IHeartTucson must state openly that we have not yet had a chance to board the Raider's Reef but we are sooooo looking forward to doing so. We are huge fans of Midieval Times and the Renaissance Faire and think that a pirate-themed dinner theater show housed in an actual ship is just the most awesomest thing ever. We can just imagine all the waiters dressed up in their high seas finest, everyone saying "ARRR" alot, big tankards of grog, and the cast making some of the customers "walk the plank" if they don't speak in proper pirate-ese.

No need for an anchor - we're in the des-ARRR-t.

The exterior theming at Raider's Reef is just top notch - from the impressive masts (sails were down when we saw it), to the beautiful bow figure, to the full-scale anchor. Another touch we love is the cheeky Gentlemen's Cabaret sign which must have been put there as a joke by those pirates to show us how rough and "manly" they are. Although a bit un-PC and sexist, we believe this just adds to the fun and think the kiddies will love this place even more than Chuck E. Cheese's. We will definitely enjoy a Cabernet (sauvignon) to along with the rollicking pirate festivities.

This fair maiden keeps an AYE on you as you pass by.

For the budget-minded out there, I would like to share that I was able to get a printable Free Admission Coupon from the Raider's Reef website which is actually good on any day of the week! We're definitely going to become regular fixtures there - I may even take my boss there for lunch one day as she is a huge fan of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Get your eyepatch ready, and polish your peg-leg - Raider's Reef awaits for you mateys!

We love how they found someone as lovely as their bow figurehead to
model for their advertising.

I♥Tucson Reason #2 - The Bambi Bar Sign

Sometimes you wanna go - where everybody knows the bar is named after an exotic dancer, but there are really none working there.

There's just something about the local watering hole that adds so much character to the neighborhood. It adds depth and true grit, and lends the ponciest of gated cul-de-sacs an air of don't-eff-with-me awesomeness. The Bambi Bar is such a place - not only remarkable for its ability to attract the booze-ridden-down-trodden masses - but also for the aesthetic effect that it has in this otherwise tony area off of Speedway Boulevard.

It's hard to believe that this was once a bare wall.

The verdant waterworks mural on the east side of the Bambi are no doubt a treat for weary desert eyeballs, but the real prize here is the actual Bambi Bar sign.

Detail of the roadside sign - a misunderstood and little appreciated work of art.

Casual passers-by are often puzzled by the cryptozoologic nature of the Bambi Bar signage. Although most just assume the animal is a deer, others concoct fanciful stories of the origin of this mysterious iconography. Some say that it is a coyote wearing a Venetian plague mask, or a wallaby that had been mated with a hell-hound.

The truth behind the Bambi sign is much more mundane. In the 1960s during the Vietnam war, the Disney company was looking to launch short films in the vein of their famous anti-Nazi propaganda piece starring Donald Duck, called Der Fuehrer's Face (1943). The relaunch of this with an anti-Viet Cong twist was considered a patriotic move by the company, and soon Bambi's Punji Pit was given the greenlight by the studio. Intended as a cautionary tale, this short showed this Disney character succumbing to the perils of combat, including the killing of innocent rabbits, and the use of opium.

As public opinion of the war effort waned, the company ultimately decided to shelve the project. Original cels of the incomplete movie short were thought to have been lost; however several were recently unearthed in Tucson area garage sales, definitively proving the inspiration for the Bambi Bar signage.

Hand-painted cel from the opium scene in Bambi's Punji Pit.

So, fellow Tucsonianites take note - there is always an awesome back story to those things you see around our fair city but do not understand. Everything but the giant snake bridge, that is; I'm pretty sure that is just a group hallucination.

I♥Tucson Reason #1 - Magic Carpet Golf

This sign was made before Turbans struck fear into the heart of every Tucsonianite.

One of the most awesomest things that anyone can experience in their life is a mini-golf course. We're not talking about just some bumps and lumps under the astroturf and a castle or bull's eye target to to suck your ball away at the 18th hole. We're talking about some serious arts and crafts skills, whimsical imagination, and professional-level difficulty. Tucson can consider itself lucky as Magic Carpet Golf has all these and much more.

I brought my rolling desk chair because the Rascal wasn't charged up.

Don't let the smiley worm fool you - getting through his cupcake house unscathed is not easy.

I didn't know that bulls have 5 legs . . . amazing.

The monkey doesn't just want you to give him five, if you know what I mean.

We waited for 6 days for the snake to digest our balls.

The attention to detail is awesome - Authentic Egyptian Police Hieroglyphics.

The ever-changing landscape of Magic Carpet Golf makes it one of the reasons that IHeartTucson hearts Tucson so much. We swear that there was even a Moai here last week, but we might be mistaken. So often a golf course will turn a patch of desert wasteland into a beautiful enclave for the rich and powerful. But not the Magic Carpet - it just makes living in Tucson that much more awesome.