Yes dear Tucsonianites, it is time for an I♥Tucson Deathmatch again. Time for us to take two things that are marginally related and set them against each other, until only one is left standing. It is exactly like Thunderdome where everyone chants: "Two men enter . . . one man leaves." Except instead of men we chant: "Two local-business-graffiti-mural-type things enter . . . one slightly superior local-business-graffiti-mural-type thing leaves."
Yeah, we'll work on the wording of that and let you know before the next round. But today's main event features two of the sweetest competitors you've ever laid eyes on. Both of them strive, in their own ways, to make our fair city a more delicious place and deliver us their sugary fuel that keeps our engines running.
PRESENTING CONTESTANT #1!!!
The Candy Store!
AND, NOT TO BE OUTDONE, CONTESTANT #2!!!
Also, The Candy Store! Or is it just "Candy Store?" Ummm . . . this may get a little confusing.
Editor's note: for clarity in the remainder of this entry, contestant #1 will further be referred to as "(The) Candy Store" and contestant #2 will further be referred to as "Candy Store."
Thank you editor! Before you ask, no we don't really have an editor; that is just some plug-in that Google Labs developed to prevent blog posts from entirely de-evolving the English language. Anyway, today's I♥Tucson Deathmatch will pit our contestants against each other in five grueling and torturous face-off rounds:
- Architecture
- Media Exposure
- Customer Testimonials
- Amenities
- Online Reviews
ROUND 1: Architecture
Brad Pitt has really given architecture fans a bad name. It used to be mildly cool, if somewhat geeky and European to be interested in architecture. But ever since Pitt got into the scene, there has developed an undercurrent of mockery and loathing whenever you tell someone that you are "into" architecture. You can see people looking at you slightly sideways and can almost hear them thinking "not even Brad Pitt can pull off being an architecture buff, and he is famous, a genius, and beautiful. What makes you think that you can do it, you silly little desk jockey?" So here is the disclaimer: we are neither architects nor do we pose ourselves as true architecture aficionados - this architecture review is for entertainment purposes only, and has not been bolstered by either a formal education or by reading back-issues of Architectural Digest.
(The) Candy Store
- Symmetrical sight lines make entrance the focal point.
- Interesting use of industrial-chic motif on the right side.
- Upper facade reminiscent of a king's crown - creates a royal welcome for patrons.
- Message board is strictly utilitarian, but does communicate important information in the form of poetic verse like: "Military Free / Bring Your ID"
Candy Store
- Beautiful use of the same vibrant colors that are on the Arizona state flag.
- Superb mural work - lifelike and fantastical characters in dynamic poses.
- Raised elements appear to girder and strengthen the building like ribs.
- Depressed element and ramp attract the eye and lure you in.
The winner is: Candy Store
Candy Store takes the round mainly because of its wonderful and accurate depiction of the Tucson skyline. From the gleaming UniSource Energy tower at the left to the triple smokestacks of the Marana Portland Cement factory at the right, this absolutely took our breath away and made the little architect nerd inside of us cry.
ROUND 2: Media Exposure
Did you know that I♥Tucson made a cameo appearance in a little film called Say Anything? We were John Cusack's stunt double for the pivotal scene in which he hoists a 50 pound ghetto blaster above his head and expresses his unrequited love to Ione Skye while the Biz Markie tune Just A Friend pumps from the stereo. Unfortunately, test audiences did not appreciate (i.e., like) this ending and the scene was re-shot. More unfortunately, I♥Tucson did not make it into the credits at the end of the movie, thereby eliminating our chances of ever having an IMDB page.
Our shot at champagne dreams may have been shattered, but our contestants caviar wishes live on as both have had extensive media exposure.
Our shot at champagne dreams may have been shattered, but our contestants caviar wishes live on as both have had extensive media exposure.
Candy Store
- A starring role in four major motion pictures: Superman; Superman II; Superman III; and Superman Returns, Nobody Cares.
- Pros: Beloved icon by children and adults worldwide; perfectly coiffed hair; nice abdominal definition.
- Cons: Shameless flaunting of two-sizes-too-small underoos; backside of cape is remarkably dark and dreary.
(The) Candy Store
- Although lacking time on the big screen, (The) Candy Store nonetheless has an impressive pedigree in the local media.
- Neon signage livens up Late Breaking news reports, which normally take place in the utter darkness in front of some place where something happened in the past (and therefore is still newsworthy, even though you can't see it anymore).
- So popular that police assistance is evidently required for crowd control.
The winner is: (The) Candy Store
Fame is temporary. Infamy lasts forever (or at least as long as the archive on your local news reporting outlet's website).
ROUND 3: Customer Testimonials
Candy Store
"Unfortunately, I can't say a whole lot about this place. Alfred switched the BatCave computer from Google to that damn Bing search engine, and when I was trying to map out the quickest route to the Joker's secret hideout, it led me here. It turns out some dude name Joe Kerr works here. I'm going have to revoke Alfred's network privileges when I get home. I did get some Chupa Chups though. Always need to keep the BatBelt stocked with those in case Catwoman comes over."
(The) Candy Store
Manny*: "I never set foot in that place man. I am a student at IAF and was just in the parking lot waiting for my girlfriend to pick me up when those other dudes ran up to me and force me to hold their drugs. I don't even know what that stuff is man. I don't smoke crack man. OK - yes I only went inside for a minute to use the payphone to call my girlfriend cause those dudes took my cell and I needed to tell her to call the police so I could report those dudes and turn over the evidence. Cause drugs and stealing cell phones is not cool man. Not cool at all."
Moe*: "That [maternal fornicator] told you what? Oh that is [cowpoop] cause that boy was up in the club since two in the afternoon! He kept slapping the girls on their [rears] when they would walk by and kept going to the bathroom with those [freaking] tweakers. He's just some [kitten] who got a hold of a big stash and was trying to be Mr. Hotshot Drug Dealer. Me - I'm just there to appreciate the female figure, you know? After I got banned from The Reef, this is the closest place that my bus pass will take me so I hope they don't shut the place down.
Jack*: I just work the door. I host, I bounce, and that is it. I try not to pay attention. My boss tells me not to be too selective in letting people in, cause this is Tucson after all and we'd never have business othwise. So naturally a bunch of [feminine hygiene products] are in there at any given moment and I have to make sure they keep it in check. Like the guy who always catches the bus to get here. And the one who was selling smack in the restrooms. They're real winners, those two.
* Names changed to protect the innocent. Actually - screw it - these idiots are definitely not innocent. They are (L to R): Pablo Diablo, Mr. Trick, and Don Johnson.
The winner is: Candy Store
Sometimes, too much customer testimony can hurt your cause. Particularly when your customers were all arrested and cannot receive any visitors for a month or two. A simple and partially positive message beats being a strip club [anus] any day.
ROUND 4: Amenities
I♥Tucson really likes staying at hotels. Good ones. You know, those with the Sinful Sleeper mattresses and 146 articulated shower head nozzles? And the ones with the mini-fridges with the mini-Pringles cans that cost $12? Wi-Fi that costs $19 for the 24 hours? Amenities are important because they will often be the little deails that customers will remember and return for over and over again.
(The) Candy Store
- Per (The) Candy Store's MySpace page, a Newly Remodeled Dressing Room and the fact that Champagne Always Available are two of the great new amenities that are offered.
- Great place to change your clothes into something more comfortable - safe place to keep your phone just in case it rains on you.
- Champagne can be mighty difficult to find after the supermarket closes - now you have a new place to hit up for that emergency 4:30 AM bottle of Asti Spumanti. We've heard that there is even a whole room dedicated to champagne at this place!
Candy Store
- On demand Gamma Radiation. Enough said.
The winner is: (The) Candy Store
Although gamma radiation is undoubtedly helpful, nothing says "come back" quite like a brand new locker does. Especially if you get one that opens when you give it a rap with your fist - that quadruples the coolness factor.
ROUND 5: Online Reviews
We're all knotted up here with two challenges won by each consistent. The last category, and possibly the most important, is a sampling of online reviews for each location. As we all know, online reviews can make or break a new business. Additionally, online reviews can be absolutely trusted because only certified critics, reviewers, and subject matter experts are allowed to post their unbiased opinions online.
Candy Store
The winner of the final round and the I♥Tucson Sweet Treat Deathmatch is . . . .
(The) Candy Store
In case you are wondering, it is not the somewhat mixed and schizophrenic reviews that lost the match for Candy Store in the final round. It was the surprising comparison to Nogales in (The) Candy Store's review that really won us over. There are few places as awesome as Tucson, and Nogales is on the short list!
Stay tuned for more information about our upcoming sister site, iheartnogales.blogspot.com!!!
Update: We sadly report that as of this posting, (The) Candy Store is no more. Due to the recent mania surrounding the latest Harry Potter movie, it has been sold and re-themed into a new entertainment venue called Spellbound. You can be sure that I♥Tucson will be all over this scene to provide you with the news on whether Spellbound can stand up to the legacy of its predecessor.
