Did you know that IHeartTucson has had seven people who have stumbled across our dark little niche in the internet? Seven is a lucky number, but not as lucky as you are today.
By popular demand (and by "popular" I mean that it was requested by approximately 14% of you) here is a transcript of a 48-question interview with the Tucsonianite. Hopefully this can be the first step in us getting to know each other a little better. Cause then we can be friends. And friends let friends borrow $20 until next payday, right?
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No. There is no one in the world with my name prior to my existence.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Last night. . . wait . . . right now.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes. I prefer to write in Arial 10pt, but will use Comic Sans 12pt when I'm feeling frisky.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Either Olive Loaf or Head Cheese.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
I had it on VHS but will have to wait for it on Netflix.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
No. If there were two of me the universe would implode.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Do you use your frontal lobe?
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
No. But I do have yours. In a mason jar in my garage.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Yes. But only if you went first so I could cut . . . I mean watch and be less afraid.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Coco-Roos in the 84oz value sack.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF
I don't tie the two velcro straps to begin with. That would just be stupid.
__ WHERE DID 12 GO?
It went home with your mom. Don't bang the screen door or you'll wake them up.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Those little cups with the wooden spoons and cardboard lids and the fudge ripple.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Usually their face. But sometimes, it is their butt.
15. RED OR PINK?
Depends. If you're talking about a baboon's ass, then definitely Red.
16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Nimble fingers that can't play piano.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
BooBoo Bear. He was always the voice of reason.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO VISIT TUCSON?
Only if you have something to contribute to society - we don't need no freeloaders round here.
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Brown pants. Brown shoes. They weren't always brown.
WHERE DID 20 GO?
I flushed it down the toilet. That's what it gets for pissing me off.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The voices don't start until the witching hour.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Farmer Tan Flesh
23. FAVORITE SMELL?
@ I-10 and Prince on a hot summer's night . . . you just know you're home.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Your mom. She said to get her a carton of Benson-Hedges on your way home.
25. DO YOU LIKE TUCSON?
Of course. Tucson is so awesome that I often bleed from my eyes.
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Aerobics or Jazzercise
27. HAIR COLOR?
Why not?
28. EYE COLOR?
No, that's a little extreme.
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No, I keep contacts in my crackleberry though.
30. FAVORITE FOOD?Lucky Wishbone and Eegee's. Just kidding, I prefer food that is edible and non-poisonous.
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy movies with scary endings.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Can't Buy Me Love (for the 174th time)
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
A deep, luxurious, dark red. It is getting a bit stiff as the blood dries though.
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Does it matter? Everyday in Tucson is like Groundhog day. Especially the dying and reanimation part.
35. HUGS OR KISSES?
I prefer a firm handshake.
37. MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED IN TUCSON?
Anyone who is considered a "Silver Fox." Especially if you're named "Lute" or "Guy."
38. LEAST LIKELY TO SUCCEED IN TUCSON?
Honestly, I'm hoping that would be you.
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
I'm working my way through the whole Nicholas Sparks oeuvre, but I'm saving The Notebook for last as a reward to myself.
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
10,000,000 dust mites and some Cheeto powder.
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Tony Robbins. He's got big hands.
42. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
One hand clapping. That or a tree falling in a forest with no-one to hear it.
43. FAVORITE PLACE IN TUCSON?
The corner of Grant and Alvernon - it is like the Times Square of Tucson.
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
I've been as far south as 22nd street!
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Indiscriminate but mostly controllable Narcolepsy
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
In a small town. And I live in a small town. Probably die in a small town. Oh those small communities.
47. SCARIEST PLACE IN TUCSON?The corner of Grant and Alvernon - it is like the Times Square of Tucson (circa 1980).
48. WHERE DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Where didn't we meet? Club Turbulence. The Reef. The Candy Store. Love can just blossom under those conditions.
8/23/11
I♥Tucson Reason #7: Happy Birthday Tucson
I don't know about you all, but it has been a rough day today. I woke up mid-afternoon with my tongue apparently epoxied to to the roof of my mouth, and with a headache like a family of Zhu-Zhu pets had moved into my basal cortex. In addition to my shirt being on inside-out and backwards, I found a pair of Green Lantern themed adult size 2XL "briefs" in one back pocket of my jeans, and 34 one dollar bills in the other. Stranger things may have happened to you too, if you were also out on Friday night celebrating TUCSON'S TWO HUNDRED THIRTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!
Of course, we all know this is a lie.
Yes, I did partake in the festivities, and yes, I did help blow out the 235 candles that were perched atop the cake-shaped-like-Wilbur-Wildcat-sculpted-by-Food-Network-star-Duff-whatshisface. But in my heart of hearts, I know that it was just a convenient excuse for a raging party until the next time Lute Olson makes his an appearance at the local Zinburger. Both you and I know that Tucson is not really a young pup of 235, but a grizzled sage celebrating its TWELVE THOUSANDTH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!
What? You don't believe me? Well, get ready because IHeartTucson is dedicated to the truth, and to history. And there is nothing more truthful, or historic than our story today, called . . .
Things were peaceful in this place for several millenia which followed. Eventually, several other Travelers found their way to this area and formed the basis of a civilization. Like the first Traveler, those who followed also resigned themselves to a sedimentary lifestyle in this mostly adequate locale - hunting and gathering eventually gave way to domesticated livestock, irrigated agriculture, and Bunko parties. Around 1200 B.C., a pottery craze struck like wildfire and Tucson became one of the most populated places on earth until a mass psychosis induced by cadmium glazed drinking pots eventually reduced the population to normal levels, and dropped the excitement back to merely tenuous.
About a thousand years later, something moderately interesting did happen . . .
Dneb Alig the Conqueror from the Alpha Centauri system traveled via flying saucer through a time-space wormhole (exiting in what is now known as Colossal Cave) and began a reign of terror which lasted for nearly two hundred years. Travelers cowered in fear of Dneb Alig, who would often arch his 200 foot long serpentine body over one of Tucson's main thoroughfares. This was one of the Conqueror's favorite ploys to scare Travelers passing by into dropping their valuables, in particular, carne seca burritos, which were like catnip to this beast with a thousand teeth and a fondness for picking food out of them for days on end.
But then, a Traveler of a different sort came upon the scene and saved Tucson from this intergalactic horror . . .
Armed with nothing but two lambs, an alarm clock necklace, a couple of giant overstuffed raisins, and a big stick, a holy man banished Dneb Alig the Conqueror to a purgatorial, "mirror universe" corner of the desert southwest.
-pause narrative-
OK - I realize that you probably don't believe what A Tale of Tucson is telling you right now. Yeah, you were on board with the maze guy, and the Bunko parties. And yes, the religious guy with the raisins, that's mostly plausible too. But a gigantic-flying-sauce-worm-alien-thingie? Impossible, right?
WRONG!!!
Totally objective piece of evidence #1: A life-sized memorial to Dneb Alig's favorite pastime.
Totally objective piece of evidence #2: Not only was Dneb Alig's place of banishment named after it's mirror image (gilA benD) but the flying saucer from Alpha Centauri is still there as well.
Convinced? Pick your jaw up of the floor cause we're moving on.
-resume narrative-
Following the religious intervention, Tucson continued to grow by attracting new residents who were all looking for a moderately passable place to relocate to. The years flew by and soon, Tucson was a thriving metropolis - truly a "City of Lights" in the American southwest.
Of course, since you are reading A Tale of Tucson on this blog, you also know that it is the little things which have propelled this town from sheer mediocrity to absolute averageness. Your everyday Tucsonianite may not know exactly how old this place is, or how this shining gem in the desert night came into being, but does know that we can always rely on our fellow residents to grab that "radical" knob on the dashboard and turn it all the way up . . .
. . . until something that was just passably pretty becomes utterly awesome.
Happy 12,000th Birthday Tucson! Remember that without you, there'd be no us. Well, we'd still exist, we would probably just be living nearer to a beach or at least an Ikea store.
Of course, we all know this is a lie.
Yes, I did partake in the festivities, and yes, I did help blow out the 235 candles that were perched atop the cake-shaped-like-Wilbur-Wildcat-sculpted-by-Food-Network-star-Duff-whatshisface. But in my heart of hearts, I know that it was just a convenient excuse for a raging party until the next time Lute Olson makes his an appearance at the local Zinburger. Both you and I know that Tucson is not really a young pup of 235, but a grizzled sage celebrating its TWELVE THOUSANDTH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!
What? You don't believe me? Well, get ready because IHeartTucson is dedicated to the truth, and to history. And there is nothing more truthful, or historic than our story today, called . . .
"E" TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORIES:
A TALE OF TUCSON
Tucson was not born in 1775 as the popular belief goes. The origin of Tucson goes all the way back to 9989 B.C. and involves a being known as "the Traveler." Legend has it that the Traveler had inadvertently wandered away from his tribe and was soon lost in a complex maze. After navigating the labyrinth for 40 days (but only 38 nights), the Traveler found himself in a strange but somewhat OK place and thought the first thought that would eventually be the life spark from which Tucson was created:
"Meh . . . this will do. It's a heck of a lot better than being in that damn maze."
Things were peaceful in this place for several millenia which followed. Eventually, several other Travelers found their way to this area and formed the basis of a civilization. Like the first Traveler, those who followed also resigned themselves to a sedimentary lifestyle in this mostly adequate locale - hunting and gathering eventually gave way to domesticated livestock, irrigated agriculture, and Bunko parties. Around 1200 B.C., a pottery craze struck like wildfire and Tucson became one of the most populated places on earth until a mass psychosis induced by cadmium glazed drinking pots eventually reduced the population to normal levels, and dropped the excitement back to merely tenuous.
About a thousand years later, something moderately interesting did happen . . .
Dneb Alig the Conqueror from the Alpha Centauri system traveled via flying saucer through a time-space wormhole (exiting in what is now known as Colossal Cave) and began a reign of terror which lasted for nearly two hundred years. Travelers cowered in fear of Dneb Alig, who would often arch his 200 foot long serpentine body over one of Tucson's main thoroughfares. This was one of the Conqueror's favorite ploys to scare Travelers passing by into dropping their valuables, in particular, carne seca burritos, which were like catnip to this beast with a thousand teeth and a fondness for picking food out of them for days on end.
But then, a Traveler of a different sort came upon the scene and saved Tucson from this intergalactic horror . . .
Armed with nothing but two lambs, an alarm clock necklace, a couple of giant overstuffed raisins, and a big stick, a holy man banished Dneb Alig the Conqueror to a purgatorial, "mirror universe" corner of the desert southwest.
-pause narrative-
OK - I realize that you probably don't believe what A Tale of Tucson is telling you right now. Yeah, you were on board with the maze guy, and the Bunko parties. And yes, the religious guy with the raisins, that's mostly plausible too. But a gigantic-flying-sauce-worm-alien-thingie? Impossible, right?
WRONG!!!
Totally objective piece of evidence #1: A life-sized memorial to Dneb Alig's favorite pastime.
Totally objective piece of evidence #2: Not only was Dneb Alig's place of banishment named after it's mirror image (gilA benD) but the flying saucer from Alpha Centauri is still there as well.
Convinced? Pick your jaw up of the floor cause we're moving on.
-resume narrative-
Following the religious intervention, Tucson continued to grow by attracting new residents who were all looking for a moderately passable place to relocate to. The years flew by and soon, Tucson was a thriving metropolis - truly a "City of Lights" in the American southwest.
Of course, since you are reading A Tale of Tucson on this blog, you also know that it is the little things which have propelled this town from sheer mediocrity to absolute averageness. Your everyday Tucsonianite may not know exactly how old this place is, or how this shining gem in the desert night came into being, but does know that we can always rely on our fellow residents to grab that "radical" knob on the dashboard and turn it all the way up . . .
Happy 12,000th Birthday Tucson! Remember that without you, there'd be no us. Well, we'd still exist, we would probably just be living nearer to a beach or at least an Ikea store.
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