I♥Tucson Reason #7: Happy Birthday Tucson

I don't know about you all, but it has been a rough day today. I woke up mid-afternoon with my tongue apparently epoxied to to the roof of my mouth, and with a headache like a family of Zhu-Zhu pets had moved into my basal cortex. In addition to my shirt being on inside-out and backwards, I found a pair of Green Lantern themed adult size 2XL "briefs" in one back pocket of my jeans, and 34 one dollar bills in the other. Stranger things may have happened to you too, if you were also out on Friday night celebrating TUCSON'S TWO HUNDRED THIRTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!


Of course, we all know this is a lie. 


Yes, I did partake in the festivities, and yes, I did help blow out the 235 candles that were perched atop the cake-shaped-like-Wilbur-Wildcat-sculpted-by-Food-Network-star-Duff-whatshisface. But in my heart of hearts, I know that it was just a convenient excuse for a raging party until the next time Lute Olson makes his an appearance at the local Zinburger. Both you and I know that Tucson is not really a young pup of 235, but a grizzled sage celebrating its TWELVE THOUSANDTH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!


What? You don't believe me? Well, get ready because IHeartTucson is dedicated to the truth, and to history. And there is nothing more truthful, or historic than our story today, called . . .

"E" TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORIES: 

A TALE OF TUCSON

Tucson was not born in 1775 as the popular belief goes. The origin of Tucson goes all the way back to 9989 B.C. and involves a being known as "the Traveler."  Legend has it that the Traveler had inadvertently wandered away from his tribe and was soon lost in a complex maze. After navigating the labyrinth for 40 days (but only 38 nights), the Traveler found himself in a strange but somewhat OK place and thought the first thought that would eventually be the life spark from which Tucson was created:

"Meh . . . this will do. It's a heck of a lot better than being in that damn maze."

Things were peaceful in this place for several millenia which followed. Eventually, several other Travelers found their way to this area and formed the basis of a civilization. Like the first Traveler, those who followed also resigned themselves to a sedimentary lifestyle in this mostly adequate locale - hunting and gathering eventually gave way to domesticated livestock, irrigated agriculture, and Bunko parties. Around 1200 B.C., a pottery craze struck like wildfire and Tucson became one of the most populated places on earth until a mass psychosis induced by cadmium glazed drinking pots eventually reduced the population to normal levels, and dropped the excitement back to merely tenuous. 


About a thousand years later, something moderately interesting did happen . . .

Dneb Alig the Conqueror from the Alpha Centauri system traveled via flying saucer through a time-space wormhole (exiting in what is now known as Colossal Cave) and began a reign of terror which lasted for nearly two hundred years. Travelers cowered in fear of Dneb Alig, who would often arch his 200 foot long serpentine body over one of Tucson's main thoroughfares. This was one of the Conqueror's favorite ploys to scare Travelers passing by into dropping their valuables, in particular, carne seca burritos, which were like catnip to this beast with a thousand teeth and a fondness for picking food out of them for days on end.


But then, a Traveler of a different sort came upon the scene and saved Tucson from this intergalactic horror . . .

Armed with nothing but two lambs, an alarm clock necklace, a couple of giant overstuffed raisins, and a big stick, a holy man banished Dneb Alig the Conqueror to a purgatorial, "mirror  universe" corner of the desert southwest. 


-pause narrative-


OK - I realize that you probably don't believe what A Tale of Tucson is telling you right now. Yeah, you were on board with the maze guy, and the Bunko parties. And yes, the religious guy with the raisins, that's mostly plausible too. But a gigantic-flying-sauce-worm-alien-thingie? Impossible, right?


WRONG!!!


Totally objective piece of evidence #1: A life-sized memorial to Dneb Alig's favorite pastime.

Totally objective piece of evidence #2: Not only was Dneb Alig's place of banishment named after it's mirror image (gilA benD) but the flying saucer from Alpha Centauri is still there as well.

Convinced? Pick your jaw up of the floor cause we're moving on.


-resume narrative-


Following the religious intervention, Tucson continued to grow  by attracting new residents who were all looking for a moderately passable place to relocate to. The years flew by and soon, Tucson was a thriving metropolis - truly a "City of Lights" in the American southwest.

Of course, since you are reading A Tale of Tucson on this blog, you also know that it is the little things which have propelled this town from sheer mediocrity to absolute averageness. Your everyday Tucsonianite may not know exactly how old this place is, or how this shining gem in the desert night came into being, but does know that we can always rely on our fellow residents to grab that "radical" knob on the dashboard and turn it all the way up . . .

 . . . until something that was just passably pretty becomes utterly awesome.


Happy 12,000th Birthday Tucson! Remember that without you, there'd be no us. Well, we'd still exist, we would probably just be living nearer to a beach or at least an Ikea store.