An Interview with the Tucsonianite

Did you know that IHeartTucson has had seven people who have stumbled across our dark little niche in the internet? Seven is a lucky number, but not as lucky as you are today.


By popular demand (and by "popular" I mean that it was requested by approximately 14% of you) here is a transcript of a 48-question interview with the Tucsonianite. Hopefully this can be the first step in us getting to know each other a little better. Cause then we can be friends. And friends let friends borrow $20 until next payday, right?


1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No. There is no one in the world with my name prior to my existence.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Last night. . . wait . . . right now.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes. I prefer to write in Arial 10pt, but will use Comic Sans 12pt when I'm feeling frisky.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Either Olive Loaf or Head Cheese.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
I had it on VHS but will have to wait for it on Netflix.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
No. If there were two of me the universe would implode.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Do you use your frontal lobe?

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
No. But I do have yours. In a mason jar in my garage.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Yes. But only if you went first so I could cut . . . I mean watch and be less afraid.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Coco-Roos in the 84oz value sack.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF
I don't tie the two velcro straps to begin with. That would just be stupid.

__  WHERE DID 12 GO?
It went home with your mom. Don't bang the screen door or you'll wake them up.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Those little cups with the wooden spoons and cardboard lids and the fudge ripple.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Usually their face. But sometimes, it is their butt.

15. RED OR PINK?
Depends. If you're talking about a baboon's ass, then definitely Red.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Nimble fingers that can't play piano.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
BooBoo Bear. He was always the voice of reason.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO VISIT TUCSON?
Only if you have something to contribute to society - we don't need no freeloaders round here.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Brown pants. Brown shoes. They weren't always brown.

    WHERE DID 20 GO?
I flushed it down the toilet. That's what it gets for pissing me off.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The voices don't start until the witching hour.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Farmer Tan Flesh

23. FAVORITE SMELL?
@ I-10 and Prince on a hot summer's night . . . you just know you're home.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Your mom. She said to get her a carton of Benson-Hedges on your way home.

25. DO YOU LIKE TUCSON?
Of course. Tucson is so awesome that I often bleed from my eyes.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Aerobics or Jazzercise

27. HAIR COLOR?
Why not?

28. EYE COLOR?
No, that's a little extreme.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No, I keep contacts in my crackleberry though.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?Lucky Wishbone and Eegee's. Just kidding, I prefer food that is edible and non-poisonous.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy movies with scary endings.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Can't Buy Me Love (for the 174th time)

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
A deep, luxurious, dark red. It is getting a bit stiff as the blood dries though.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Does it matter? Everyday in Tucson is like Groundhog day. Especially the dying and reanimation part.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
I prefer a firm handshake.

37. MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED IN TUCSON?
Anyone who is considered a "Silver Fox." Especially if you're named "Lute" or "Guy."

38. LEAST LIKELY TO SUCCEED IN TUCSON?
Honestly, I'm hoping that would be you.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
I'm working my way through the whole Nicholas Sparks oeuvre, but I'm saving The Notebook for last as a reward to myself.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
10,000,000 dust mites and some Cheeto powder.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Tony Robbins. He's got big hands.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
One hand clapping. That or a tree falling in a forest with no-one to hear it.

43. FAVORITE PLACE IN TUCSON?
The corner of Grant and Alvernon - it is like the Times Square of Tucson.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
I've been as far south as 22nd street!

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Indiscriminate but mostly controllable Narcolepsy

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
In a small town. And I live in a small town. Probably die in a small town. Oh those small communities.

47. SCARIEST PLACE IN TUCSON?The corner of Grant and Alvernon - it is like the Times Square of Tucson (circa 1980).

48. WHERE DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Where didn't we meet? Club Turbulence. The Reef. The Candy Store. Love can just blossom under those conditions.