An Interview with the Tucsonianite

Did you know that IHeartTucson has had seven people who have stumbled across our dark little niche in the internet? Seven is a lucky number, but not as lucky as you are today.


By popular demand (and by "popular" I mean that it was requested by approximately 14% of you) here is a transcript of a 48-question interview with the Tucsonianite. Hopefully this can be the first step in us getting to know each other a little better. Cause then we can be friends. And friends let friends borrow $20 until next payday, right?


1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No. There is no one in the world with my name prior to my existence.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Last night. . . wait . . . right now.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes. I prefer to write in Arial 10pt, but will use Comic Sans 12pt when I'm feeling frisky.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Either Olive Loaf or Head Cheese.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
I had it on VHS but will have to wait for it on Netflix.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
No. If there were two of me the universe would implode.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Do you use your frontal lobe?

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
No. But I do have yours. In a mason jar in my garage.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Yes. But only if you went first so I could cut . . . I mean watch and be less afraid.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Coco-Roos in the 84oz value sack.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF
I don't tie the two velcro straps to begin with. That would just be stupid.

__  WHERE DID 12 GO?
It went home with your mom. Don't bang the screen door or you'll wake them up.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Those little cups with the wooden spoons and cardboard lids and the fudge ripple.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Usually their face. But sometimes, it is their butt.

15. RED OR PINK?
Depends. If you're talking about a baboon's ass, then definitely Red.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Nimble fingers that can't play piano.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
BooBoo Bear. He was always the voice of reason.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO VISIT TUCSON?
Only if you have something to contribute to society - we don't need no freeloaders round here.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Brown pants. Brown shoes. They weren't always brown.

    WHERE DID 20 GO?
I flushed it down the toilet. That's what it gets for pissing me off.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The voices don't start until the witching hour.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Farmer Tan Flesh

23. FAVORITE SMELL?
@ I-10 and Prince on a hot summer's night . . . you just know you're home.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Your mom. She said to get her a carton of Benson-Hedges on your way home.

25. DO YOU LIKE TUCSON?
Of course. Tucson is so awesome that I often bleed from my eyes.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Aerobics or Jazzercise

27. HAIR COLOR?
Why not?

28. EYE COLOR?
No, that's a little extreme.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No, I keep contacts in my crackleberry though.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?Lucky Wishbone and Eegee's. Just kidding, I prefer food that is edible and non-poisonous.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy movies with scary endings.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Can't Buy Me Love (for the 174th time)

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
A deep, luxurious, dark red. It is getting a bit stiff as the blood dries though.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Does it matter? Everyday in Tucson is like Groundhog day. Especially the dying and reanimation part.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
I prefer a firm handshake.

37. MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED IN TUCSON?
Anyone who is considered a "Silver Fox." Especially if you're named "Lute" or "Guy."

38. LEAST LIKELY TO SUCCEED IN TUCSON?
Honestly, I'm hoping that would be you.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
I'm working my way through the whole Nicholas Sparks oeuvre, but I'm saving The Notebook for last as a reward to myself.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
10,000,000 dust mites and some Cheeto powder.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Tony Robbins. He's got big hands.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
One hand clapping. That or a tree falling in a forest with no-one to hear it.

43. FAVORITE PLACE IN TUCSON?
The corner of Grant and Alvernon - it is like the Times Square of Tucson.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
I've been as far south as 22nd street!

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Indiscriminate but mostly controllable Narcolepsy

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
In a small town. And I live in a small town. Probably die in a small town. Oh those small communities.

47. SCARIEST PLACE IN TUCSON?The corner of Grant and Alvernon - it is like the Times Square of Tucson (circa 1980).

48. WHERE DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Where didn't we meet? Club Turbulence. The Reef. The Candy Store. Love can just blossom under those conditions.

I♥Tucson Reason #7: Happy Birthday Tucson

I don't know about you all, but it has been a rough day today. I woke up mid-afternoon with my tongue apparently epoxied to to the roof of my mouth, and with a headache like a family of Zhu-Zhu pets had moved into my basal cortex. In addition to my shirt being on inside-out and backwards, I found a pair of Green Lantern themed adult size 2XL "briefs" in one back pocket of my jeans, and 34 one dollar bills in the other. Stranger things may have happened to you too, if you were also out on Friday night celebrating TUCSON'S TWO HUNDRED THIRTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!


Of course, we all know this is a lie. 


Yes, I did partake in the festivities, and yes, I did help blow out the 235 candles that were perched atop the cake-shaped-like-Wilbur-Wildcat-sculpted-by-Food-Network-star-Duff-whatshisface. But in my heart of hearts, I know that it was just a convenient excuse for a raging party until the next time Lute Olson makes his an appearance at the local Zinburger. Both you and I know that Tucson is not really a young pup of 235, but a grizzled sage celebrating its TWELVE THOUSANDTH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!


What? You don't believe me? Well, get ready because IHeartTucson is dedicated to the truth, and to history. And there is nothing more truthful, or historic than our story today, called . . .

"E" TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORIES: 

A TALE OF TUCSON

Tucson was not born in 1775 as the popular belief goes. The origin of Tucson goes all the way back to 9989 B.C. and involves a being known as "the Traveler."  Legend has it that the Traveler had inadvertently wandered away from his tribe and was soon lost in a complex maze. After navigating the labyrinth for 40 days (but only 38 nights), the Traveler found himself in a strange but somewhat OK place and thought the first thought that would eventually be the life spark from which Tucson was created:

"Meh . . . this will do. It's a heck of a lot better than being in that damn maze."

Things were peaceful in this place for several millenia which followed. Eventually, several other Travelers found their way to this area and formed the basis of a civilization. Like the first Traveler, those who followed also resigned themselves to a sedimentary lifestyle in this mostly adequate locale - hunting and gathering eventually gave way to domesticated livestock, irrigated agriculture, and Bunko parties. Around 1200 B.C., a pottery craze struck like wildfire and Tucson became one of the most populated places on earth until a mass psychosis induced by cadmium glazed drinking pots eventually reduced the population to normal levels, and dropped the excitement back to merely tenuous. 


About a thousand years later, something moderately interesting did happen . . .

Dneb Alig the Conqueror from the Alpha Centauri system traveled via flying saucer through a time-space wormhole (exiting in what is now known as Colossal Cave) and began a reign of terror which lasted for nearly two hundred years. Travelers cowered in fear of Dneb Alig, who would often arch his 200 foot long serpentine body over one of Tucson's main thoroughfares. This was one of the Conqueror's favorite ploys to scare Travelers passing by into dropping their valuables, in particular, carne seca burritos, which were like catnip to this beast with a thousand teeth and a fondness for picking food out of them for days on end.


But then, a Traveler of a different sort came upon the scene and saved Tucson from this intergalactic horror . . .

Armed with nothing but two lambs, an alarm clock necklace, a couple of giant overstuffed raisins, and a big stick, a holy man banished Dneb Alig the Conqueror to a purgatorial, "mirror  universe" corner of the desert southwest. 


-pause narrative-


OK - I realize that you probably don't believe what A Tale of Tucson is telling you right now. Yeah, you were on board with the maze guy, and the Bunko parties. And yes, the religious guy with the raisins, that's mostly plausible too. But a gigantic-flying-sauce-worm-alien-thingie? Impossible, right?


WRONG!!!


Totally objective piece of evidence #1: A life-sized memorial to Dneb Alig's favorite pastime.

Totally objective piece of evidence #2: Not only was Dneb Alig's place of banishment named after it's mirror image (gilA benD) but the flying saucer from Alpha Centauri is still there as well.

Convinced? Pick your jaw up of the floor cause we're moving on.


-resume narrative-


Following the religious intervention, Tucson continued to grow  by attracting new residents who were all looking for a moderately passable place to relocate to. The years flew by and soon, Tucson was a thriving metropolis - truly a "City of Lights" in the American southwest.

Of course, since you are reading A Tale of Tucson on this blog, you also know that it is the little things which have propelled this town from sheer mediocrity to absolute averageness. Your everyday Tucsonianite may not know exactly how old this place is, or how this shining gem in the desert night came into being, but does know that we can always rely on our fellow residents to grab that "radical" knob on the dashboard and turn it all the way up . . .

 . . . until something that was just passably pretty becomes utterly awesome.


Happy 12,000th Birthday Tucson! Remember that without you, there'd be no us. Well, we'd still exist, we would probably just be living nearer to a beach or at least an Ikea store.

I♥Tucson Deathmatch - Sweet Treat Bracket

Yes dear Tucsonianites, it is time for an I♥Tucson Deathmatch again. Time for us to take two things that are marginally related and set them against each other, until only one is left standing. It is exactly like Thunderdome where everyone chants: "Two men enter . . . one man leaves." Except instead of men we chant: "Two local-business-graffiti-mural-type things enter . . . one slightly superior local-business-graffiti-mural-type thing leaves."

Yeah, we'll work on the wording of that and let you know before the next round. But today's main event features two of the sweetest competitors you've ever laid eyes on. Both of them strive, in their own ways, to make our fair city a more delicious place and deliver us their sugary fuel that keeps our engines running.

PRESENTING CONTESTANT #1!!!

The Candy Store!

AND, NOT TO BE OUTDONE, CONTESTANT #2!!!

Also, The Candy Store! Or is it just "Candy Store?" Ummm . . . this may get a little confusing.

Editor's note: for clarity in the remainder of this entry, contestant #1 will further be referred to as "(The) Candy Store" and contestant #2 will further be referred to as "Candy Store."

Thank you editor! Before you ask, no we don't really have an editor; that is just some plug-in that Google Labs developed to prevent blog posts from entirely de-evolving the English language. Anyway, today's I♥Tucson Deathmatch will pit our contestants against each other in five grueling and torturous face-off rounds:

1. Architecture
2. Media Exposure
3. Customer Testimonials
4. Amenities
5. Online Reviews

ROUND 1: Architecture

Brad Pitt has really given architecture fans a bad name. It used to be mildly cool, if somewhat geeky and European to be interested in architecture. But ever since Pitt got into the scene, there has developed an undercurrent of mockery and loathing whenever you tell someone that you are "into" architecture. You can see people looking at you slightly sideways and can almost hear them thinking "not even Brad Pitt can pull off being an architecture buff, and he is famous, a genius, and beautiful. What makes you think that you can do it, you silly little desk jockey?" So here is the disclaimer: we are neither architects nor do we pose ourselves as true architecture aficionados - this architecture review is for entertainment purposes only, and has not been bolstered by either a formal education or by reading back-issues of Architectural Digest.

(The) Candy Store

• Symmetrical sight lines make entrance the focal point.
• Interesting use of industrial-chic motif on the right side.
• Upper facade reminiscent of a king's crown - creates a royal welcome for patrons.
• Message board is strictly utilitarian, but does communicate important information in the form of poetic verse like: "Military Free / Bring Your ID"

Candy Store

• Beautiful use of the same vibrant colors that are on the Arizona state flag.
• Superb mural work - lifelike and fantastical characters in dynamic poses.
• Raised elements appear to girder and strengthen the building like ribs.
• Depressed element and ramp attract the eye and lure you in.

The winner is: Candy Store

Candy Store takes the round mainly because of its wonderful and accurate depiction of the Tucson skyline. From the gleaming UniSource Energy tower at the left to the triple smokestacks of the Marana Portland Cement factory at the right, this absolutely took our breath away and made the little architect nerd inside of us cry.

ROUND 2: Media Exposure

Did you know that I♥Tucson made a cameo appearance in a little film called Say Anything? We were John Cusack's stunt double for the pivotal scene in which he hoists a 50 pound ghetto blaster above his head and expresses his unrequited love to Ione Skye while the Biz Markie tune Just A Friend pumps from the stereo. Unfortunately, test audiences did not appreciate (i.e., like) this ending and the scene was re-shot. More unfortunately, I♥Tucson did not make it into the credits at the end of the movie, thereby eliminating our chances of ever having an IMDB page.


Our shot at champagne dreams may have been shattered, but our contestants caviar wishes live on as both have had extensive media exposure.

Candy Store

• A starring role in four major motion pictures: Superman; Superman II; Superman III; and Superman Returns, Nobody Cares.
• Pros: Beloved icon by children and adults worldwide; perfectly coiffed hair; nice abdominal definition.
• Cons: Shameless flaunting of two-sizes-too-small underoos; backside of cape is remarkably dark and dreary.

(The) Candy Store

• Although lacking time on the big screen, (The) Candy Store nonetheless has an impressive pedigree in the local media.
• Neon signage livens up Late Breaking news reports, which normally take place in the utter darkness in front of some place where something happened in the past (and therefore is still newsworthy, even though you can't see it anymore). 
• So popular that police assistance is evidently required for crowd control.  

The winner is: (The) Candy Store

Fame is temporary. Infamy lasts forever (or at least as long as the archive on your local news reporting outlet's website).

ROUND 3: Customer Testimonials

Candy Store

"Unfortunately, I can't say a whole lot about this place. Alfred switched the BatCave computer from Google to that damn Bing search engine, and when I was trying to map out the quickest route to the Joker's secret hideout, it led me here. It turns out some dude name Joe Kerr works here.  I'm going have to revoke Alfred's network privileges when I get home. I did get some Chupa Chups though. Always need to keep the BatBelt stocked with those in case Catwoman comes over."

(The) Candy Store

Manny*: "I never set foot in that place man. I am a student at IAF and was just in the parking lot waiting for my girlfriend to pick me up when those other dudes ran up to me and force me to hold their drugs. I don't even know what that stuff is man. I don't smoke crack man. OK - yes I only went inside for a minute to use the payphone to call my girlfriend cause those dudes took my cell and I needed to tell her to call the police so I could report those dudes and turn over the evidence. Cause drugs and stealing cell phones is not cool man. Not cool at all."

Moe*: "That [maternal fornicator] told you what? Oh that is [cowpoop] cause that boy was up in the club since two in the afternoon! He kept slapping the girls on their [rears] when they would walk by and kept going to the bathroom with those [freaking] tweakers. He's just some  [kitten] who got a hold of a big stash and was trying to be Mr. Hotshot Drug Dealer. Me - I'm just there to appreciate the female figure, you know? After I got banned from The Reef, this is the closest place that my bus pass will take me so I hope they don't shut the place down.

Jack*: I just work the door. I host, I bounce, and that is it.  I try not to pay attention. My boss tells me not to be too selective in letting people in, cause this is Tucson after all and we'd never have business othwise. So naturally a bunch of [feminine hygiene products] are in there at any given moment and I have to make sure they keep it in check. Like the guy who always catches the bus to get here. And the one who was selling smack in the restrooms. They're real winners, those two.

* Names changed to protect the innocent. Actually - screw it - these idiots are definitely not innocent. They are (L to R): Pablo Diablo, Mr. Trick, and Don Johnson.

The winner is: Candy Store

Sometimes, too much customer testimony can hurt your cause. Particularly when your customers were all arrested and cannot receive any visitors for a month or two. A simple and partially positive message beats being a strip club [anus] any day.

ROUND 4: Amenities

I♥Tucson really likes staying at hotels. Good ones. You know, those with the Sinful Sleeper mattresses and 146 articulated shower head nozzles? And the ones with the mini-fridges with the mini-Pringles cans that cost $12? Wi-Fi that costs $19 for the 24 hours? Amenities are important because they will often be the little deails that customers will remember and return for over and over again.   

(The) Candy Store

• Per (The) Candy Store's MySpace page, a Newly Remodeled Dressing Room and the fact that Champagne Always Available are two of the great new amenities that are offered. 
• Great place to change your clothes into something more comfortable - safe place to keep your phone just in case it rains on you.
• Champagne can be mighty difficult to find after the supermarket closes - now you have a new place to hit up for that emergency 4:30 AM bottle of Asti Spumanti. We've heard that there is even a whole room dedicated to champagne at this place!

Candy Store

• On demand Gamma Radiation. Enough said.

The winner is: (The) Candy Store

Although gamma radiation is undoubtedly helpful, nothing says "come back" quite like a brand new locker does. Especially if you get one that opens when you give it a rap with your fist - that quadruples the coolness factor.

ROUND 5: Online Reviews

We're all knotted up here with two challenges won by each consistent. The last category, and possibly the most important, is a sampling of online reviews for each location. As we all know, online reviews can make or break a new business. Additionally, online reviews can be absolutely trusted because only certified critics, reviewers, and subject matter experts are allowed to post their unbiased opinions online. 

Candy Store

(The) Candy Store

The winner of the final round and the I♥Tucson Sweet Treat Deathmatch is . . . .  

(The) Candy Store

In case you are wondering, it is not the somewhat mixed and schizophrenic reviews that lost the match for Candy Store in the final round. It was the surprising comparison to Nogales in (The) Candy Store's  review that really won us over. There are few places as awesome as Tucson, and Nogales is on the short list! 

Stay tuned for more information about our upcoming sister site, iheartnogales.blogspot.com!!!

Update: We sadly report that as of this posting, (The) Candy Store is no more. Due to the recent mania surrounding the latest Harry Potter movie, it has been sold and re-themed into a new entertainment venue called Spellbound. You can be sure that I♥Tucson will be all over this scene to provide you with the news on whether Spellbound can stand up to the legacy of its predecessor. 

I♥Tucson Reason #6 – Under The Sea

When it comes to summer in Tucson, this town is awesome. A bunch of old folks leave and the streets get safer. A bunch of college aged kids leave and the streets get safer. The police swap out the speed limit signs so everyone can go 65 on Speedway again. In fact, if you get into a car accident in Tucson in the summer, it is probably because you were playing Angry Birds on some kind of mobile device and had a single car accident with a street sign.

But, as awesome as Tucson is in the summer, there is something that constantly draws at and nags all Tucsonianites - the Pacific Ocean. We can't help it that we're landlocked and that we only see two shades of blue on a regular basis (the sky and the UA blue). But the sea is just a long drive away, and most of us are enjoying driving in Tucson too much to make that long haul.

Well - fear not, because the sea is here - in Tucson - at this place:

At least Pac-Man was able to get a job in this economy

No - this is not just a great place to get those things for you car to be able to drive to the ocean. Take a peek around the side and be prepared to be magically transported under the sea!

The dolphin sharpened its beak and zeroed in to attack its unsuspecting prey

Beautiful dolphins cavorting in the surf!

Seeing how the London Bridge loves Arizona, the Loch Ness Monster followed suit

Colorful reef fish and um . . . a baby Nessie. That's a little strange.

Did you know: Leif Eriksson didn't just discover America, but Arizona too?

And sunken Viking dragon boats with ghoul-like sails. Hey, what ocean did you say this was again?

And whew - a submarine. Just a normal submarine. I thought this trip was headed somewhere into Johnny Depp's subconscious - you know, the place where he keeps Keith Richard's soul hostage so the Pirate movies can be made. Let's just zoom out a little bit. . .

. . . O MAI GD . . . GIANT MECHA-SHARK !!!!

You know what folks, screw the ocean. Tucson is land-locked and proud of it and doesn't need ghost ships or friggin' Giant Mecha-Sharks. The sea may be a temptress, but if we all work together, we can avoid her siren call and survive in our dry and waterless paradise. So do your part, proud Tucsonianites - drain those pools - empty those pet water bowls - pray for no rain. Retract all of your jokes about California falling off the continental shelf and Arizona becoming beach front property. Let's keep Tucson sea-free. And safe. Cause Giant Mecha-Sharks are awesome to look at, but not that awesome when they're chewing on your leg with razor sharp titanium incisors.

Welcome Back

I guess we need to clear the air about something. I know that two years is a long time to be gone without an explanation, and I don't expect you to believe everything I am saying, but I promise it is true. I am not going to give you the typical "it's not you, it's me" line because I don't want to lie; it wasn't just me, it was kinda you.

I know that you want to know the "why" it happened. This whole world is full of people asking "why, why, why" and saying things like "the truth will set you free" when really, the answers often hurt, especially the real ones. Since I promised to tell you the truth, I am not going to tell you the "why" for your own sake - believe me, you are better off not knowing. But I will tell you the "what" - I know I owe you that at least. The "when" should already be established, but it you can't remember, see the second sentence of this entry.

Sometimes, people get mixed up in activities which can make it feel they are powerless - like a force of nature is pushing and pulling them in some direction they would normally never go in. That is what this was like - it was a friggin' hurricane that has the magical powers to turn you into an automaton. I am warning now that you probably won't believe me.

OK for the last two years, I was on Facebook.

See - you don't believe me. Well here is the proof:

No, I did not Photoshop that image, I was really on Facebook! It just sucked me in with its exhaustive need for micromanagement of mundane details. And all the games . . . all of those game requests that needed to be closed out - it took me forever. People laying their emotions out for their whole world to see. It made me into some kind of emotion-vampire, leeching off all of those highs and lows and always hungry for the next dose. It was just there - I was weak, and it was there.

What? So what if I don't have any friends on Facebook? I had one at first but it was just too much for me to manage our relationship while taking care of all of these other things so I had to drop him. It is just this brilliant multi-faceted diamond that is blinding but fascinating at the same time, no matter which angle faces you. But like a diamond can burn (if it is heated up) so can Facebook, and yes I was burned. Something was posted today - it still hurts too much to say what it was - and all that trust I built up over two years was irrevocably shattered. OK it really doesn't hurt to say what is was - I think it was a picture of a stranger's vagina.

So now I'm back. Hopefully a bit stronger and wiser than before. And I wanted to say I'm sorry - for everything. Can't we just turn it back and have things be like they used to before all the craziness? Can we still be friends - for Tucson's sake?

We can? Cool - why don't you friend me at www.facebook.com